it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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