Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
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I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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