...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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