my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
