Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
