I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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