chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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