We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
