Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
