I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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