No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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