I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
