he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
