I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
