Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
