She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
