she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
