i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
