somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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