I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
