i just wanna soil my oats bro
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
