My sheets look like a crime scene.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
