I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Help. Why am I so naked?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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