I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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