the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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