Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm like, not good at living.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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