Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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