i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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