I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
