Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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