Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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