I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
