I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i believe in u and ur pee
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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