Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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