Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
