I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
