I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You were trust falling into bushes
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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