Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
