i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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