I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
