New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
