Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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