Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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