did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
