life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize