The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
