The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
