I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize