so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
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Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
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Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture