You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
