I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
