Tell her she can't have a vagina
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
