I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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