You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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