Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
